shoes | love♥ | wander

I haven’t written for a long time. And there’s a reason for that. I’ve been okay. We all v. well know that this blog is an outlet of mine, if anything. It’s my way of calming myself down. But right now, I’m not writing for that reason. I didn’t say it was my only reason for writing, mind you. I’m writing again because I just stumbled upon a realization – actually it’s more of a re-realization, a strong one. I have a new goal, an old new goal — and that is this: when I grow up, I want to deserve someone like you.

The you here is my newest fake crush. Let’s call him Onion, because that is how I refer to him when talking to friends. Why? Because 3.5 out of the 5 letters of this code name are part of his real name. And I went for Onion because it’s a common ingredient when cooking and he loves that – cooking. See, he’s a chef. Off to a great start this fake crush of mine, huh?

He’s a CHEF. Don’t we like the sound of that? :p So yes, he’s accomplished – he’s not just some chef of some restaurant that barely gets by. He’s the chef of this really cool and well-put together fine dining resto in Katipunan that serves good food (and I mean that in every sense, good food) - oh, and he owns it too. He’s also about to open a wine bar in the same place; and another branch of the same resto, which carries his name, in the Fort.

Now, am assuming we’ve established that he is already accomplished/has succeed in his life – and at 28 years old at that. Okay, fine.. a lot of guys have done a lot more than him – I am well aware of that. But I am not looking for someone who has achieved positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles (haha I’m sorry, Crazy FRIENDS fan – that’s me!), you know. That he’s driven and has proven himself in doing something that he LOVES — that’s what I want. But that’s not ALL I want. I want someone with a personality.

I want someone who can make me laugh. Funny goes a long way, I tell you. He’s that – FUNNY. Adorably funny, to be exact. He also carries himself well. His English is a bit off but at least he makes it sound like it’s not? Haha. On top of that – he has a good heart. Okay, I didn’t expect this of him. And I think that is what prompted me to write this entry. We’re friends in FB and all throughout the Ondoy tragedy, he seemed all ’sti cazzi (pardon me for shoving this Italian phrasing here – but I’ve REALLY been wanting to use it! Hahaha! It means “these balls” or as we would say “I don’t give a sh*t” :p) about it. But earlier I found out that he cooked for about 11,000 victims and volunteers of Ondoy. Yea, that pretty much did it for me. F you N*** L***! And I mean that in a good way, not literally though. Haha! You do care. I like that. Of course I am not under the illusion that he is all saint and no devil. He is a womanizer, I heard. But… well, to be honest, I think he’s the type who can settle down. Am not being biased – BELIEVE ME when I say that. Because I don’t see myself as the one who gets him to say “I do”. And I don’t think that because I like to believe the good in people, which I do, but that is not the case right here. He’s fallen in love once, I was told. That makes him capable of falling in love again, right?

As for, let’s face it — another thing that I look for in a guy, as superficial as it sounds, he’s ayt. I can’t say he’s cruelly handsome, he’s not. He’s adorable. He’s cute. He’s not sexy. Although I do think that’s what he’s trying to be, just kidding. Half. Haha. He’s tall enough, he’s not fat and he’s easy on the eye. He’s not bad at all… So there. :p

He’s not perfect, he’s just right – the kind am looking for. But I’m not in love with him. And I don’t think I’ll ever be. Don’t I want him to be my boyfriend? I do. But it will be for superficial reasons, for companionship… for fun, maybe even for status – he does hang out with them stars haha (seriously though, that’s not a big deal to me.). It’s not gonna be for love. Well maybe, if he’s in love with me, I’ll love him back… but at this time… it’s not gonna be a love that can make my heart ache. In the spirit of Eat Pray Love (this book I’m reading) and its opening quote, “Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth,” I am gonna say this — my heart still belongs to someone else, and it’s going to for a long long time.

I say that with a smile because it’s not entirely a sad thing to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back – if you know he’s not the right one for you or you for him. I mean it when I say that I am over him. I am over going after him. I still want him. But that want is weak. I am still in love with him but that has stalled more as a fact rather than a wish for me. Of course I still see him standing at the altar waiting for me, one text from him and my world changes. Yup, it changes. But let that word be a testament to how my attitude towards the subject of him has changed. I used to say he makes me world collapse, now all he can do is change it. And note that I say attitude, because as far as feelings go, the intensity may not be the same, but my love for that guy is still v. much alive. Things are easier but my heart, although it doesn’t feel the pain anymore, is still broken. Barely, at this very moment, but it’s not exactly doing jump rope. I think of him less and less with each passing day. His existence is still sitting in the corner of my mind, but I don’t go to that area as often as before. He’s not right for me or me for him — this much is true. And I accept that with a caveat – not at this time. I’ve got dreams to fulfill, responsibilities to come through. And he — he has to find himself.

I said, of Onion, that “when I grow up, I want to deserve someone LIKE you.” I do not strive to deserve Onion, just someone like him – whom I love. In my heart of hearts, I don’t see Nicolo being as successful as Onion. And if he’s not funny now, he won’t ever be funny. He doesn’t strike me as the type who cares or goes out of his way to serve his fellowmen, either. But I adore him. I love him nonetheless. And well, he’ll always be the gwapo-est guy I’ve ever laid my eyes on. It pains me to think that even after 5 years or so, Nicolo might not change at all. See, when I do become the girl who deserves someone like Onion, I would want a guy who deserves someone like me.  I might have to accept that Nicolo won’t be right for me- ever. But let me worry about that later.. much later in this lifetime. First, let me be the girl who deserves someone who.. is driven, does what he loves, is stable, is funny, cares, is adorable… but more importantly, whom I love and loves me back.